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Sponsored by Barbara Schwartz in memory of her mother Miriam bas Abba, whose yahrzeit is the 26th of Iyar.
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[00:00:00] Speaker A: That's going to be an important yes.
Good. So do a thumbs up if you can hear me. For those that are opening their screens, if anybody's got a black screen, but they can open their screen so they can hear me and see me, I love talking to actual people. I remember when I started teaching over zoom during COVID I found it so disconcerting to speak to a bunch of black boxes. So anybody who can open their.
The camera so I can see them, that would give me great pleasure, so that I can see who I'm talking to. Don't worry, we won't judge you if you are eating or if you are resting or if you're not in your fanciest clothes. It's okay. We're just happy that you're here. Thank you so much for coming and for joining. Thank you so much to Masorah in Baltimore for inviting me to come and speak to everybody. A very big pleasure and privilege. I have come actually to Baltimore a few times in person to speak for Musara and. And it's so good that we also have this option so that if I can't come in person, at least I can see you over the screen.
I have two brothers who live in Baltimore, both by the name Kimchi. So you might know my family and we were there last year, will come again soon. We love the Baltimore community, my family. If we weren't living in Florida, I think we would be living in Baltimore, honestly.
And I'm so happy to be here with you today.
So, as you know, we're in the time of the spheres of Omer and what I love so much about Yiddishkeit, about being a Jew. I mean, there are so many things about. I love about being Jewish, but one of the things that I love so much about being Jewish is that being Jewish or Yiddishkeit in general is so aspirational. What does this mean? It means that we always aspiring to be more, we are never happy with where we are. Not that we're walking around miserable, depressed people or we're thinking badly about ourselves, but rather it is that we feel like there is a way that we can be lifted up more. The way that we can become more, a way that we can grow more. And the sphere. So Omer is about aspiring for more. What do we say? We say that one of the lessons of counting every day is to. To really make every day count. What do we mean by this? One of the first lessons that we know before we even get into the depths of the sphere. So one of the first Lessons that we understand from counting every day is just how fast all the days go by. I don't know if anybody else is here is counting. When I'm still counting, I'm still in Bar Hashem.
I remember one year, my husband forgot to remind me about the first night, so I missed the whole first day. And for the rest of the sphere, I was out. And I was so annoyed about it. I try every year to be in every single day. It's easy when you've got reminders on your phone. Shabbos is the hard one.
Shabbos day, Friday night, Shabbos day. Because you can't have your phone remind you. But otherwise. And why is it so important for me to count is because it reminds me how fast the days go by. I'm counting number day, number two, day number three. Suddenly I'm on day number 10. Suddenly it's day 22. Suddenly it's day 28. And I'm like, how can it be? What does that mean? It's four weeks. Four weeks is such a long time. What have I done in those four weeks? Meaning once we really count every day, we. We can't lose count. Have you ever lost count of the day? Have you ever turned to somebody and asked, what's the date today? Do you know what the date is? And they're like, oh, it's nearly the end of May. And you're like, how did it become the end of me? I don't understand. It was just April. What happened? What happened to the last month? Or you might say, what day of the week is? I thought it was Monday. And suddenly it's Wednesday or Friday. And you're like, I don't understand how the week went by so fast. And the truth is that we're in the Moshiachah. We learned that at the times when we come closer to Mashiach, time will suddenly pass very fast. We will feel like time is going by. Why is it so important to then count our days if time is going by so fast? How can we make each day count? So the truth is, sometimes people, let's say, have very fulfilling and meaningful jobs, and they do feel like every day I'm doing a good thing, I'm doing said. Maybe you work for a charity organization, but sometimes people are doing other jobs. They become lawyers or accountants. Not every day is going to be meaningful, purposeful. You don't feel like you've done something so amazing every single day.
So the question is, how can we, Every single person on the zoom and really, every single person in CL feel that I'm making every single day count. How can I do this in real life, in real time, in this moment, if. If I haven't dedicated my life to doing a certain Hessed, or if I don't say to him every single moment of every single day?
So how can I be a person that makes every day count? So one of the safari that I'm currently teaching is called the Chova salavois, which is the musa sefer. What is a musa sefer? What does that mean? The Chova Salah Vovis was written a thousand years ago by Rabbeinu Bakia, who was a Russian, who was a great, great.
And he wrote, instead of just sitting and learning gamora all day, he wrote the first ever musa sefer. What does this mean? It means he spent time, he took away time from his precious learning in order to write a whole sefer, a whole book all about how to get closer to Hashem.
How do I get close to Hashem? In fact, in the book of Chovu salavois, there are 10 gates, 10 sha' arim. Sha' arim means really a gateway.
And each gateway is supposed to be a gateway towards getting close to Hashem. And the most famous gateway is Sharphan, which is actually the fourth chapter in the khobasala vavice. And when you say to somebody, I'm learning khabu salavos, they think you mean I'm learning.
But really, you could be learning any of the ten sharim. Just Shabbatakan is the most famous because it's about having a munna. And most of us need to work the most on having a munna. But I've been teaching the khabis albavis from the beginning. So that means the first gate, the second gate, the third gate. And really what we're talking about, right in the introduction, what he says is that mitzvahs can be really put into two categories. So lots of people have heard of the different categories of mitzvahs. Some people say there's two categories of mitzvahs. There's one bin Adam lamokoyim, which means between a category mis, between me and hashem, like, let's say, davening. And there's another category of bin Adam lechavira, that means a category between me and my fellow man, like doing a chesed for somebody. And. And that's the two categories. Some people think the two categories are the mitzvahs and the averis, the things that I should do and the things that I Should not do. Those are also two, like, famous categories. The chalabis actually decides that there are two different categories. One is the chobos haim, which means the obligations of your. Of your limbs. What should my body be doing? How can I do mitzvahs with my body? Okay. And the other ones are the chovos and halava voice, which means the obligation of my heart and my mind.
My heart and my mind. Where should my heart and my mind be at all times? And he said, really? These are the two categories of mitzvahs. So if we are looking at this sefer, and the reason why I chose to look at the safer now for this particular talk that I'm going to be discussing with you is really because I feel like we are all looking for growth. If you have come on this zoom on a Wednesday evening, late at night, in order to learn, it means that you are looking for growth, you're looking for spiritual growth. There's lots of other things you can put into that. You could be sitting on your couch eating ice cream. Also, you could be going to bed early, you could be going out for dinner with your friends, but instead you're sitting here on this zoom with us. So anybody here on this zoom, obviously what they want in the world is they want to learn how to grow. And growth is really deciding how am I going to perform my avoidance hashem. That means growth. We're talking about spiritual growth, means in what way can I ex by external actions? How are they going to awaken my internal devotion?
And the question is, why doesn't my external actions create my internal devotion? So that's going to be our first question that we're going to tackle, because we all try and do the best that we can. I feel like everybody, really, I'm Donna Cuffs, plus everyone that everyone I meet is trying to do the best they can. I'm trying to do the mitzvahs that I know. I'm trying to daven that the. The. The most that I know. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm trying to be the best person I can. And then when I learn about more things I'm supposed to be doing more obligations, I also take on doing that. That means I'm trying my hardest. Yes. And I'm trying to do all these things to keep Shabbos and keep kosher and do this mitzvah of chesed and open mic to hellim to say a pair of tillim for that and, you know, smile at the people and have gratitude And I'm trying to do all these things, and yet I feel so disconnected. I feel like I can't connect to Hashem. And if all the mitzvahs are supposed to be connecting me to Hashem, why is it not working? Why doesn't it happen? And in fact, it reminds me a little bit of. I don't know if you've ever tried to cook meat in the oven. Yes. They sell these special meat thermometers, I don't know if you've seen it, that you can stick it in the meat to see if the temperature inside is the same as the temperature outside. Why? Because the outside can look perfectly cooked. And then you cut open your meat and it's totally raw on the inside, and it's been in your oven for hours, and then you have to put it back in the oven. It's a very annoying process. So they sold these special thermometers to let you know, and you stick it all the way in and it measures for you. And it says, well, the outside temperature might be 350 degrees, but. But inside your meat it's only 100 degrees, which means your meat is not cooked yet. You need to leave it in the oven for another few hours. Right. So sometimes the external can look so cooked, and the internal is still very cold and frozen and very, very raw. And I feel that sometimes that is true about all of us. The external looks very good. What did I do? I baked my own challah for Shabbos. And I said, I took the challah and I made the bracha, and I set the table beautifully for my Friday night meal, and I invited guests and I made a whole four course meal, and my husband made kiddish. And everything on the outside looks wonderful. And what are my thoughts and feelings on the inside? What am I, Kavanaughs? Where is my heart and my mind? Because I could be sitting at my Shabbos table thinking that I'm actually, you know, shopping in my mind on Amazon. Oh, I should have bought this. I should have built that. Where is my heart and my mind when I stand up and my husband makes kiddush on Friday night? And he's saying, and we're making this day holy. And why are we making this day holy? Because Hashem created the world in six days, and he rested on the seventh. And I stand for this kiddush in order to bear witness and to say, I'm a witness. I stand and I'm a witness, and I say that I know that Hashem is the only creator. And Hashem created the world in six days, and he rested on the seventh. And he made the seventh day holy. And so too am I making the seventh day holy. And I'm bringing the shechina into my home. That's what I'm supposed to be thinking when I stand and I hear my husband make kiddush. When. What am I actually thinking when my husband. I stand and. And. And hear my husband make kiddish? I'm thinking, I hope my food isn't burning. And then I'm thinking to myself, did I leave the challah long enough in the oven, or will it be doughy inside? And then I'm thinking, I'm so tired. Or I might be thinking, I'm starving. I should have had lunch today. Or I might be thinking, those two kids are fighting. I really should have sat between them. This was a bad idea. They're going to spend the whole thing. But. Or I might be thinking, is my husband making kiddush over. Over grape juice or over wine? Because it's. If it's over wine and then he gives me, I'll be too drunk for the rest of the meal because I haven't eaten all day. So I have lots of different thoughts in my mind. What am I not thinking? I'm not thinking. Here I am standing as a witness that Hashem created the world in six days and he rested on the seventh. And I am here to bear witness. And why is it so important that I should be thinking that? Why is that so important?
And the answer is because I could look totally cooked on the outside and. And I could be completely raw on the inside, which means what I look like, everything I'm doing is. Is something devoted to Hashem. But inside, I'm not really hot for Hashem. I'm not really. I don't. I don't have a passion for Hakadosh, Baruch, Hu. My relationship with Hashem. I'm not thinking about that. And when I don't think about it, what happens is, is that I. I'm not doing. I'm not doing what Hashem wants from me.
The Chobhavis actually says something very, very scary in the beginning, in the introduction of his safer. And I want to share it with you. It's very frightening. And, you know, you should just be warned. Maybe I shouldn't say it to you, but I want to share it with you anyways, because I think it's very important for us to wake up and understand how important it is.
How important it is to know where my mind and heart is at all times. Okay, this is what he says. And he's a rishon. This is what he says. He says that. And it says, actually in the Shah Batachan, in the fourth chapter of the Khoba Salah, it talks about how one of the things that we have to have Bitachan for is that hashem is going to reward us in. In the. In the world to come for what's inside our heart. What does that mean? Nobody knows how hard it was for me to hold myself back from saying that. Lashon hara. Nobody knows how hard it was for me to do that mitzvah or. Or how hard it was for me to hold back from that there. Nobody knows. Do you know who knows? Only akodesh baruch hu, we say on Rosh Hashanah Kippah, Hashem is Hashem knows what's in our heart. Yes. Only Hashem knows. You don't know. And nobody knows. And my husband doesn't know, my children doesn't know. Nobody knows what's in my heart and mind. Only our kodesh baraku, and therefore only Hashem can give us the reward for what's in our heart and mind. But I want to tell you something even scarier. We are told that for our chovos, how avarim. This is what the chova salavo says, that Rabbi Nubakia says. For all the mitzvahs that I do with my body, I stand up for kiddush, I. I eat the challah of the lecha mishnah, I sit in my sukkah, I shake my low level and estroge, I do my kibbutava aim, I, you know, say kind words, I start right. All the things I do with my guf. We get a reward for those mitzvahs in oilam haze.
The reward that we get in oilam habar is all to do with our chova salavation, our year as hashem. All of the. All of the. The yechud hashem, all the things that we're thinking in our heart and mind, we're going to get a reward for that in oil.
Now, that's quite a scary thing, but it makes so much sense. And I'll explain to you why this makes sense.
We say that Yiddishkeit, Judaism is a relationship. It's not a religion. It's a relationship.
And we just discuss what. What does it mean, a relationship? What does it mean, a relationship?
So let's say there is a man who's having shalom bias issues, let's say. So he goes to his Local rabbi. And he says, I don't know what to do. I can't make my wife happy. I don't know how to make my wife happy. And he says to him, well, let's talk about what you're doing. So he says, oh, are you giving your. Your. Your wife flowers for Shabbos? He goes, I'm supposed to be giving my wife flowers for Shabbos. You. He goes, yes, that's a good idea. This rabbi is thinking in his mind, oh, no, I'm going to have to start from the beginning. O, what am I going to do here? He goes, yes, but he goes, I want to tell you something. It's not really about the flowers that you buy. It's really about the note that you give or the things that you say when you give the flowers.
So he says to his rabbi, I don't know what to say. What should I say to my wife? He goes, say something about her. Say something you love about her. So this man gets very nervous, says, I'm not a poet. I'm not a writer. I have no idea what to say. Tell me what to say. So he says, okay, maybe you should say to him something like, you know, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Okay, something like that. So this man on Friday, he comes to his wife. He takes this bunch of flowers. She looks at them expectantly, and he dumps them on the table. And he says, my rabbi says, I should tell you that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Okay. How do you think this relationship is going so far? Okay. What do you think this woman is feeling right at this moment? She's feeling. You need to ask your rabbi about how you're feeling about me. What. What's going on here? I don't need your flowers. I need your relationship.
So let's think about ourselves. Yeah. We open our siddha and we say these words to Hashem. And we say, you know why I'm saying these words to Hashem? Because they unshakeness Sace, the great men of assembly sat down and they composed something called a siddha. And so I'm going to say these words. These are not my words. I don't mean them. I don't feel them. I don't even know what they're saying. They're not even my words. But my rabbis say I should say them to you. So I'm going to say them to you.
And you're not meaning any. Your heart is not there. Your mind is not there. In fact, Your heart and mind are thinking about the list of things that you have to do and how fast you can get through this dovening so that you can check the box that I daven this morning.
This is exactly like the man that brought flowers to his wife and said, my rabbi said I should tell you that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. When we open our siddha and we say the words to Hashem, and we say, our rabbis told us that we should tell you that we love you, Hashem.
What's the point of anything that we're doing?
Where's the relationship?
What have we worked on? How are we. How are we even?
What's the point of anything? And really, we have to think of. We have to think, is my heart awake? If we don't include Hashem, if we don't think of Hashem while we're doing things, then I'm not sure exactly what we're doing at all.
Let's think about the first first people. Cain and he decided to have sacrifices to give sacrifice to Hashem.
Cain was the one that actually decided, you know what? I want to give sacrifices to Hashem. And then for parashim, there say, Cain thought to himself, you know, I'm going to live for 100 years, a thousand years. However many years I live, I won't live for all eternity. And one day I'll die. And when I die, my Hashem will go back to Hashem. So I must start my relationship with Hashem so that when my neshama goes back to Hashem, I have built a bridge, a connection to Hashem so that I can actually be with Hakadosh Baruch and understand that relationship.
So he starts to bring a carbon. What happens? Hevel saw that he was bringing a carbon, and he said, and it says, in the posse, vehevel, heavy gum who? And Hevel also brought. But we say that in the. In the posse, the word gum is extra. Why gum? Who? Why also him?
We can say Vehevel. Hey, V, as you know.
Why. Why does it say gum? Who? Why not just gum? Why? Why? Who? What? What's the. What does it mean? And he also brought himself. And the b' Farashim say that the reason why Hashem accepted Hevel's carbon and not Cain's carbon was because hevel bought not only the best of all that he had, but he also brought himself.
Gam who he also brought himself. Here are all the sheep, and here are all the fruit, and here's everything that I'm bringing For you. And you know what else I'm bringing? I'm bringing myself as well.
That's what I'm bringing. And then the present becomes irrelevant. If I come to you and I bring you a present and I, let's say, decide I'm going to buy you a beautiful silk scarf and I throw it in your face, would that be a nice present for you? Even if you like the scarf, Even if it was a very expensive scarf worth 500, what would you think of me or of the scarf? Would you like it?
Maybe you'd like the scarf. But if I came and I bought you a scarf and I said to you, your friendship means the world to me.
You know, you, having you in my life, it's a gift from Hashem. I thank Hashem every day that you are in my life. You have. You have lifted my spirits when I've been down. You have made me feel not alone in the world. This is a scarf I'm bringing you. But it's like a small token. It's nothing. It's like. It's like all I could bring you, because this is what my money can buy. But you should just know that your friendship means everything to me. How do you feel?
Everything, right? The connection that is so amazing. The scarf will be besides the point. And when you wear the scarf, you won't wear the scarf and feel like, wow, I love the scarf. You'll feel, wow. This reminds me of Estee and all the amazing words she said to me when she gave me the scarf. Because Estee not only brought me the scarf, but she brought me herself, right?
That is what we're doing here. That is what we're trying to say. And actually we're. When? If we look in Beretius and we look. When.
When Cain, when. When Hashem asked Odom, after Odom and Chavasin, Hashem asks, Odom, ayeka, where are you? As if Hashem doesn't know at all where Odom is.
Really, what he's saying is, ayeko, where are you in relation to me?
Where are you in relation to me? You're running away from me. You did Navera, and then you're running away from Ayeka, where are you? And by the way, on Tishabov, we have the same words.
Means, how could it be? Means how could it be that we have ended up so far away from our Kaddish, Baruch, hu. This is all the same thing. It's all a thread that runs through everything. Eijka and Ayeka and all of this. And when he turns around and he brings himself the hevel heavy gam, who he also brings himself. Hashem is saying, rahmana liba ba. What Hashem wants is your heart.
And only Hashem knows if you brought your heart. And nobody else will know, because you could do everything externally, totally beautifully.
In fact, I can look at you and you could look like a totally firm Jew. And I could say, oh, look, as you're so close to Hashem, but really, I have no idea what goes on inside you, right? We talk about that the whole world is held up by the Lamed Vav Sadiqim, the hidden Sadiqim, the 36 hidden Sadiqim. That there is 36 hidden Sadiqim in the world, and they're the ones that hold up the whole world. And sometimes a great God ladar will mention the name of somebody who's a hidden sadiq. They'll say, oh, this Rav, he's one of the lamed vniks. And you think to yourself, why is he saying this secret? It's supposed to be a secret. He should not be saying it, right? Once he says it, maybe he's no longer one of the lamed vniks. Like, don't say it, okay? We need the 36 hidden sadiqim to hold up the world. Don't tell us who they are, right?
But when asked, they say, even if I told you exactly the name of every single one of the 36 hidden sadikim, and you would meet them and you would speak to them, you wouldn't be able to see anything. What you see is the tip of the iceberg because there's a whole ocean of devotion that you don't see.
Their lofty attachment to our Kaddish baruch hu is something that you could never see because their relationship to Hashem is really so private and so personal that you could never see it. And the reason why it's so hard for us to perhaps build that relationship with Hashem is because it's so private and personal. It is not about an action that you do. The mitzvahs that we do is supposed to bring us towards this relationship. For example, sitting in the Sukkah is supposed to bring me to a closer relationship with Hashem. Why? Because of everything that symbolized I sit in the sukkah and I'm sitting.
What does that mean? I sit under Hashem and what all the thoughts I'm supposed to be thinking, I'm supposed to be thinking I'm in the arms of Hakadish Baru only Hashem protects me from everything. Not my house, not my front door, not the locks on my windows, Nothing I can slit. Sit in a flimsy sukkah outside my house. And who is going to protect me from everyone and everything?
Only Hakodesh Baru. And that's what I'm supposed to be thinking for all the time that I'm sitting in the sukkah. And if I really managed to achieve that devotion of heart and mind, you know what would happen? I would get gain a beautiful personal relationship with that Kaddish Baru. And by the way, once we start doing this, once we start. You know, the BAAL Shem Tov says that you are really where your thoughts are. And really, we know this. We know this from personal experience. I don't know if you've ever sat somewhere. You could be sitting on a train or on a bus. You could be sitting at work, you could be sitting at a wedding. And you suddenly think of something. I don't know, you think about a friend who's going through a very hard time. Or maybe you're thinking about sorrow that you yourself have. Or you start thinking about something and maybe you start feeling yourself crying, maybe tears start rolling down your cheeks. Yeah. It's something very painful that you're thinking about. Yeah. And suddenly you like, shake your head and you realize, hang on a second, I'm at a wedding or. Or I'm at my Shabbat table or I'm just on the bus on my way to work. And. And you kind of have to shake your yourself out of your thoughts because your thoughts, you really are wherever your thoughts are. I always say that your house is. Your mind is the house that you live in.
You think the house that you live in is the house that you're all sitting in right now. You know, the couch that you're sitting on or the dining room table you're sitting at, or the four walls that you can see around. You think, that is my house. I have to tell you that it's not your house.
Your mind is the house that you live in. That's it. That's the whole thing. And that's what the BAAL Shem Tov says. But that's what we all know to be true. And that is what Hashem says. Your mind is the house that you live in. And therefore your diet is not only what you eat. And actually, what you eat is the least important thing about your diet, because what you watch and what you read and what you listen to and all your friends that you surround you with. That is your diet. Your diet of your mind is going to be really the most important diet you ever take yourself on more than the diet of your body. I know we're always all trying to lose those last five pounds or ten pounds, then we lose them, then we gain them and we lose them. Gave them 520 years. We're all doing that because we're all women and we're all fighting with this. But that doesn't really matter because really the diet of your mind is going to be what really matters. What do I fill my mind is, do I fill my mind with thoughts of hakaddush baruch hu? Do I fill my mind with that? Right.
And the question is, now that I've told you all of these things, the question is, how can I begin my relationship with Hashem if I've already. If I've said to you, listen, the safira is aspirational.
Yiddishkeit is aspirational. What does that mean? We are all aspiring to be more. We're all aspiring to do more. We're all aspiring to what? To. To being holier.
And the reason why I know this, because we all live a pretty committed life. We all try our best to be the best you that we can be. And so we learn more. And every day I'm learning more. And every day I find out more things and I try and do the more things I learned. I'm learning more and I'm learning more and I'm. I'm trying to do more and do more and do more and do more. But hang on a second.
If my mind is the house that I live in, live in, what are, what am I thinking when I'm doing all those things?
What am I thinking?
Am I thinking about Hashem?
And that is why, by the way, we say that the present is very holy. The holy present. Why?
Because no one knows how many days they have, how many months they have, how many years they have.
Unfortunately, very tragically, here in Florida, there was a 40 year old woman who, who got sick very suddenly and died very suddenly out of the blue. This happened on Sunday.
And I just saw online in Eretz Israel that there was a famous mohel who gave a brismela. It was a man maybe in his 60s or 70s, a very famous mohel. And after he gave this bris, he fell down with a heart attack and he was suddenly lifter at the breast. Just now happened today.
And I was just thinking to myself how powerful it is to meditate on that for A minute, I don't know. I don't know how many days I have, how many hours I have, any minutes I have, how many weeks I have. I mean, I don't know. And it doesn't really pay to try and calculate it or try to figure it out. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is like this.
What Hashem wants from us is this moment. That's it. That's the whole thing. Hashem wants this moment.
So the Hashem wants next week, next month, next year. Hashem wants this moment. And Hashem wants our hearts in this moment. And sometimes we can't do very much. I remember six years ago, I was taken suddenly, very sick, to hospital with a very rare autoimmune disease. And I almost died from it.
And I remember lying in my hospital bed and I couldn't move. I was so sick, I really couldn't move. For months this went on.
And I lay there and I couldn't do very much. And I'm one of those people that does a lot. I'm a doer, you know, those kind of people that doesn't stop. And I'm non stop doer. And I do too much. And my husband sometimes says, estee, what you do in a day, most people wouldn't do in a week, right? I'm just doing so. You can imagine my frustration lying in hospital bed and my body's so weak, I couldn't do anything. I remember feeling my body is betraying me, that I can't do anything. I just lie here, do nothing. And then I realized, you can lie there and you can have a relationship with Hashem. And that's really what it is when we, when we talk about the shesh mitzvahs to medias, and we talk about the six constant mitzvahs, this is all mitzvahs that we do in our mind, that we do in our heart.
It's not actually a mitzvah that I'm actually doing. I'm not making a chicken soup for somebody. I'm not visiting a sick person. I'm not shaking a lot of. I'm not making kiddish. That's not what I'm doing.
I can lie in hospital bed and still be connected to our Kaddish Baruch hu. So the next question we have to ask ourselves, if you agree with everything that I've said so far, if you agree with, yes, safira is an aspirational time, Yiddishkeit is aspirational. And I want to aspire to More. And yes, I'm doing a lot of, I'm doing a lot of mitzvahs with my body, but I'm not thinking while I'm doing that. When I wake up in the morning and I say, am I thinking?
I have to tell you a funny story.
So my 10 year old son was having breakfast yesterday morning and he eats a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast. And so he, he's. He's in his bowl of cereal, he picked up a bowl, and as he's saying the bracha, he's mumbling the bracha.
And as he says the word mazoi nois, already the food is in his mouth, you know.
Right. Okay.
So I make a little joke with him and I say to him, you know, I couldn't say amen to your bracha. I didn't really hear your bracha. He said, I said a bracha. I said, I know, but you know, I couldn't really hear all the words.
So then I gave him a cup of water. So he starts. So he decides to go to the other extreme. So he goes, baruch, like that. And he goes, I don't, you know, he says the whole bracha, every single, and every single word that he shouts out. I go, exactly, that's right. And then when he says that at the end of the brasha ha call, and I'm like, right, yeah, exactly. But far right. Amen. Exactly. Everything comes, Rashem, exactly.
And I wanted him to realize that is really the way we're supposed to make brachas. How are we supposed to make brachas? That we are actually talking to? Hashem, you know, there's this famous story that I'm sure you've all heard, but it's always good to repeat these stories just to remind ourselves of everything that I'm telling you in this year. You probably already know and it's nothing new. And in fact, all the Muslim begin by saying everything that I've written in the safer, you know. But the only way to really absorb it is to read it again and again and again and again and again until it becomes part of you. Someone tell your story that you probably already know. But I love saying it because it reminds me, by the way, all the shiram I give is really all me talking to myself.
It's all about how I would like to improve myself. And you just happen to be here. Okay, so this is the story, one of the stories I love. There was a God, Al Hadar. I don't remember who I could, I could say it was Time, Kanievsky. I could say it was the stipe like I say it was anyone. I'm sure it happened to most of them. But there was a man who came up to God Al Hadar and said, maybe it was the who said, what's the difference really, between you and me?
I take an apple and you take an apple. I say bracha, you say bracha. So what's the difference between you and me? You say bracha and apple. I say bracha and apple. What's the difference between you and me? Say that. The difference between you and me is that you say a bracha in order to eat the apple, and I eat the apple in order to say a bracha. Now, I want to explain to you what that story means. It is an absolute paradigm shift in our avodas Hashem. And I want to explain it to you because it's so beautiful and so simple and so important. This is what it means.
The God Hadar is thinking, how can I praise Hashem? I've davened everything I'm supposed to daven this morning. I've said all the prophets I'm supposed to say. I'm looking around for ways to praise Hashem. Oh, I see an apple on the table. I have another opportunity to talk to Hashem. I'm going to pick up the apple and I'm going to say baruch attar Hashem eloquenu. And I will use this apple as an opportunity again to have build my relationship with Hashem to. To express thanks to my creator, to wonder at the amazingness of the divine intelligence of a creator who created this fruit.
And that's what he's doing. What am I doing? I'm saying, my body is hungry.
My body is hungry. My animal body is hungry. Oh, I see an apple. I will quickly, as fast as I can, say a bracha as fast as I can, because I need permission to eat this apple. And this is how I get the permission, or this is how I pay Hashem for the apple. So instead of paying with money, I pay with the.
And I'm as I'm saying her ate I. Actually, the apple is already in my mail.
Okay, so, in fact, a few things have happened here. First of all, I've missed an opportunity to connect with my creator. Second of all, I have misunderstood everything about my relationship with Hashem. Everything. And by the way, we all do this. But I just want to explain to you, because the beginning of all relationship with Hashem has to be gratitude, has to be. There's nothing else has to be the beginning of all relationship. By the way, beginning of all relationships with people is also. Akara SATOYV I'm so grateful to my parents for everything they've given me. I love them so much. Thank you.
Right. I recognize all the good that my neighbor did for me, my friend did for me to with me for the hard times. HAKARA SATOYV I recognize the good that they have done for me. I'm in a relationship with them.
Right?
That's the really beginning of all relationships. The beginning of relationship with Hashem has to be gratitude.
So let's say I understand that. I understand I must be grateful to Hashem. Hashem gave me my whole life. I must, must be thankful to Hashem.
So let me give you an example.
I have amazing, wonderful parents. They should live and be well. They retired and moved to Eretz Israel. I don't see them as often as I wish I did. And they came to visit me for the week after Pesach. They spent a whole week with me and my husband and my children. It was a total gift.
It was amazing. My parents were actually Robin Robertson of a very big kahila in London for 35 years. And then they retired and moved to Eretz Israel. They, they, they not only gave me physical life, but my, my parents for sure gave me spiritual life. And only because of them I'm able to teach Torah. And I, and, and all the love that they have for me. I'm very close to my parents. Okay, so what if I said to you this? You know what? My parents are coming for a week and I have canceled everything on my schedule. What I'm doing is I'm getting in the car and I'm picking them up from the airport. I've arranged for them to stay in a beautiful villa with their own pool.
I'm going to serve them hand and foot. I'm going to feed them breakfast and lunch and supper. I'm going to make sure that they have the best time. I'm going to make sure they have a rest when they want to have a rest. I'm going to fill the drink, the food, the fridge with all the drinks that they love. I'm going to serve only their favorite foods.
I'm going to try and give them as much nachos for me and my children. They deserve it. I'm going to do everything for my parents. And then I drive them to the airport at the end and they've had the best time. And then what if I turned around to you and said, phew, baruch Hashem. Now I have relieved myself of the obligation of doing anything more for my parents because I have shown them some gratitude.
What would you say to me?
You say to me, esther, you have misunderstood the mitzvah of kibbutova. You've misunderstood what this. What a relationship even means. You've misunderstood gratitude. You have to be grateful for the rest of your life to your parents, for everything that they've given you. You don't only have to show gratitude in the one week that they come, but you have to make sure that you continue to show them gratitude for the rest of their life because of everything they've given you. It's not good enough to just treat them well for a week and. And then say, I've now relieved myself of the obligation of. Of kibuzava in. Because I did it for that one week, and I did it perfectly or beautifully, right?
But this is how sometimes we relate to our kadish baruch hu.
And this is the misunderstanding we have our relationship with Hashem. This is the misunderstanding we owe everything to. To. To. To Hashem. If I tell you I owe everything to my parents, how much more so I owe everything to Hashem.
Hashem gave me my neshama, my eternal neshama.
Hashem gives me the breath in my lungs. Hashem gives me the ability to walk, to see, to hear.
Hashem gives me everything.
I think I can mumble a bracha and eat an apple. And I've relieved myself of the obligation to say thank you to Hashem.
It's only just the beginning.
That means the hakaras atov that I expressed to my parents in the week that they came is just the tip of the iceberg of what I really owe them. In fact, I could never really repay them, for I really owed them. So I just gave them them whatever I can, whatever I can give them, which is my time and. And food that I make.
I can't really repay them. How can I repay them?
How much more? So is that true with a kadish bar?
You know, somebody said something once, very cute to me. They said to me, what if I woke up tomorrow with only the things that I thanked Hashem for today?
What happens if tomorrow I woke up with only those things that I thank Hashem for today?
So let's say today I said, thank you, Hashem, for my house. Let's say I wake up only with my house. I didn't thank Hashem for my spouse or my children or my job or my. I don't know, the car outside, or my eyelids, or my nose, or my mouth, or the fact that I can walk or breathe or every. Why do you think that Anshay Knesses wrote down in the Siddha, very specifically everything that we're thanking Hashem for?
Because it says in Nishmas Kochai, even if my whole mouth sang praises to Hashem as vast as the ocean, there's no way. There's no way that I could possibly thank you, Hashem. Not even nothing. There's no way. Right?
But we don't feel this every day. We don't even think about it during the day. We don't think about it a little bit. Like my 5 year old doesn't think about how grateful she should be to me for being her wonderful mother. Does my 5 year old think about it? No, she doesn't think my mother's so wonderful. She gave me breakfast today and she gave me lunch today and she made sure my uniform was washed and she made sure that I was dressed and she took me to school on time and then she picked me up from school and then she made me my favorite dinner and then she played with me and read me 300 books and then she put me to bed and. And I am so lucky that I have the best mother. No, she doesn't think about that. She just assumes that I will do this every day because I've done this for her every day. But you know why? It doesn't really matter because she's five, so I actually don't expect that from her.
But my older children, they do express more gratitude. Thank you, Mommy, for this delicious Shabbos meal. Thank you, Mommy, for picking me up from the airport. Thank you for buying me a new soup for Yontif. They aren't. They're starting to understand.
My parents don't have to give me this. I was just lucky enough that I was born to parents who want to give to me so much. I could have been born to the very, very mean, abusive parents who never gives you anything, right? So I'm so blessed to have parents who want to buy me a new suit for yonce and are able to. And that's a blessing. So I should thank my parents and then I should thank Hashem for giving my parents the money that they can buy me a new suit for fiance. There is a chain of gratitude.
And the more I think about it and the more I understand Hashem's place in my life, just like the more children understand the parents place in their life, the more I understand, I gain a deeper understanding the more love I will have for Hakadosh Baruch hu, and the more I will be there in my heart and in my mind.
And therefore, when I say a bracha on this apple, it won't be. I just have to say abracha, because I have to pay hashem duh, duh, duh. But rather, I will use this moment as a moment to connect with Hashem.
But it's very easy to say in this year and very hard to do. And I'll tell you, I even proved to you how hard it is to do so.
When I was very sick in hospital, I remember that I used to. I used to climb out of bed to go to the bathroom, and then I would shuffle to the bathroom, and it would. Every. Every step would hurt me, and then every step back to bed would hurt me. And then I would lie, and then I'd fall asleep for two hours and nap because it was so exhausting. Talk to the bathroom. That's how sick I was, Mamish. Like dying.
And I remember after the bathroom, I standing there and I said the bracha of Ashayotza. I said the bracha of Ashayotza as if it was a shmoine estrate on Yom Kippur.
Every single word I meant, because that's what was happening in my life.
In Asher Yatsa we talk about that means the throne of glory of Hashem.
I wouldn't be able even to be alive and stand in front of you.
I stood and said those words with tears in my eyes. Every word, slowly and carefully, as if I was literally dovening shemaina sra Yom Kippur. And I decided in that moment that if I got better Mitz Hashem and I recovered from this illness and I would live, which the doctors were not very hopeful of, and I would survive, and I would come home to my family that would never, ever, ever, ever take for granted the brachav Asher Yatsar ever again.
How long do you think that lasted?
I'll tell you exactly how long it lasted. Six months.
For the first six months that I was home, every time I left the bathroom, I would stand still and say ashiotsar like it was a shmoane estre on Yom Kippur.
And then what happened? My life happened. My kids needed me, my husband needed me, my job needed me. I was rushing here and rushing there. And I did what everybody does. I walk out of the bathroom. And as I walk to the next thing that I'm doing, I carry on saying the bracha and as I. As I start miming to, like, my children, where we need to go, right?
As I.
As I'm saying the words, I'm doing something completely different.
And then I had a son who went to yeshiva, and he came home from yeshiva. And then I saw him one day standing outside the bathroom saying ashayotza like it was a sherna esranom kippah.
And I watched him with tears in my eyes because I was jealous.
I was jealous.
I was jealous of his relationship with Hashem.
And I thought to myself, how could it be?
How could it be that I'm so far away from Hashem?
Where am I? Where am I in terms of my relationship with Hashem? Where? How could it be?
How could it be?
And I think we all experience moments of this. How could it be?
I want closeness to Hashem. So how could it be that I'm so far away?
How could it be that I'm davening shm and I'm thinking about the things that I need to do today? How could it be?
And how can I help myself to stop this happening?
And one of the tricks that I have found or I have learned for myself is that I have to keep learning.
Every day I'm listening to Shiram and Tyranny Time. Every day I'm giving Shirim. I'm either giving a share or listening to a share. Why?
Because really, we live in such a physical world, and really there's so much busyness and chaos that takes you over, and. And really, it becomes so important. The Narish Guide becomes so important that you forget what's really important. Really, really. Where am I?
So then I stand before Hashem, and for, like, one moment, I meditate. I don't go for an hour into the forest like I should maybe, and do his boydos, but for one minute, I stand before Hashem, before I even say the words.
And I think to myself, I'm so grateful, Hashem, for this moment.
If I can't remember every single thing I'm supposed to thank you for, and if I didn't make a whole gratitude list because I didn't feel like I had time, even though I probably did have time, in the very least, I could stand here and I can thank you for this moment.
And I can say, I'm so grateful that you brought me to this moment, to this day that I'm alive, that I'm well enough, that I'm well enough to stand before you, that I have the time to say shevonesre that I know how to dove and that I know the words, that I should say, that I understand the meaning of the words.
At the very least, that's like, that's like the, that's the, the minimum.
I don't want to do the minimum. I want to do the maximum.
But I know I, I, I, I try and be spiritually strong, but I know we're in a very weak generation of body and soul, and maybe we don't have the strength of character, the strength of spirit that we used to.
And maybe even our sensitivity to our verus have been wearing away.
And so I've forgotten, I've forgotten how, how. What it feels like maybe to have real charatta. Maybe I don't even know that I'm even sitting because I, I'm so far.
But maybe, maybe if I work on myself, if I aspire enough to greatness, I can have moments in my day where I can really connect.
And maybe those of my moments will be my olam Haba, those moments, the moments where I can be means we say that we're talking about.
It really should be bechal libcha, with all your heart, what's levavacha? What's the two bases?
So we say it's with both a hora and Ayitov that we should stand before Hashem with all my good and all the things that I'm not so good at, and with honesty in. In a world that I'm surrounded by so much physicality and also so much things that I must do.
And I can slow everything down in that moment, and I can turn to Hashem, and I won't say this is because the rabbis told me I must tell you that I love you with all my heart. But in that moment, for even that moment, I can be zoicha to bring my heart, and I can say, I'm here with my whole heart and I want to bless us all that this sphere, that we're counting, all of us together. And even if you don't say it with a bracha, that's also fine.
Just count every day and make sure every day counts. And in what way are you going to make sure that every day counts?
That's how you're going to make sure every day counts. Try and make sure.
Try and work on yourself to have at least one or two moments of bechal avocha. And you will feel your relationship with Hashem will move, the needle will move, and you will feel the avas hashem and the yiras hashem that you want to feel. And you Will you will start noticing all the mitzvahs that you're doing that you didn't notice beforehand. You'll start noticing them because you'll start having Kavanaugh in those moments.
And maybe none of us are great Godoylem or tzadikim that we can do this every moment of every day, but maybe we can aspire to have moments in our day and we can inspire ourselves with the thought that these moments are going to be collected after 120 years. And these moments will be our.
Thank you so, so much for inviting me. I'm sure there's something that.
Andrea, do you want to say something? Because you didn't. Couldn't say something beforehand. Sorry.
[00:48:55] Speaker B: Thank you. First of all, sd, I asked Mathila that I didn't give you a proper introduct introduction.
[00:48:59] Speaker A: Absolutely not.
[00:49:00] Speaker B: I run a zillion Zoom sheer in a week.
[00:49:02] Speaker A: And that's why you should just know the most embarrassing part about being a speaker is always the introduction. And I actually, most times ask people if they don't mind if I introduce myself. And mostly I don't introduce myself. I'm just speaking words of Torah. It doesn't really matter. Everybody can see my name and, you know, that's fine.
[00:49:20] Speaker B: But thank you. Thank you so, so much. That was beautiful. Gives us all something. Something to think about.
I just wanted to. To remind the women that there is regular classes tomorrow and next week and again next week we have a Shavua share with Rifky Siegel. Everyone can check our website or your emails for that. And again, tonight's share was sponsored in memory of Miriam Bas Abba, whose yard site is on the 26th of ER. And may the learning that you all did this evening be an Aaliyah for her neshama.
And thank you. Thank you, Estee, so, so much. We're always. It's always such a treat just to. Just to spend time with you, whether it's in person or Zoom. We always love in person. But anytime you want to come, you know you're welcome here in Baltimore.
[00:50:05] Speaker A: Thank you so much. Thank you everybody and have a wonderful evening. Good night, everyone.
[00:50:09] Speaker B: Have a good night. Don't forget to come Spira, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.
[00:50:13] Speaker A: Thank you very much. So much.
[00:50:15] Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you. It was beautiful.
[00:50:18] Speaker A: That was great.
[00:50:18] Speaker B: Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you. We're honored to have your nephew.
[00:50:28] Speaker A: Amazingly inspiring. Thank you. And encouraging.
[00:50:33] Speaker B: Ditto. Ditto.
Yes.
Can I just finish.
